Jaded?….. maybe a little

20 Feb 2012 11 Comments

by leena77 in Welcome

okay folks, here we go….. gonna have a little chat about relationships.  Ya, I’m going there.  This may not be an appropriate blog for small children, so please escort them out of the room or ….. wait….. forget that…. you shouldn’t have small children reading my blog in the first place!  LOL

So where to begin?  I’ve stated before that I have been in some really rough relationships in the past.  Some relationships I’ve been in have been good, it’s just been bad timing for me and that person.  I can’t say that I have mastered the relationship thing but I know a thing or two.  I have one great friend of mine that gives me a guy’s point of view on relationships.  We dated years ago but again, bad timing for us and I moved away.  We are very close and I can honestly say I consider him to be one of my BEST friends.  He knows pretty much everything about me as I do him.  So for those of you skeptics that say that guys and girls can’t be friends, I beg to differ.  With that being said…. my opinion and his opinion are very different from everyone else’s out there.  We don’t always agree and sometimes we agree to disagree.  But that’s friendship in general I guess.

So let’s have a few examples of relationships gone bad shall we?  From MY experience, I’ve had a few.  Take my marriage for example.  I loved this man with every part of my being.  From the depths of my soul.  I tried everything I could to keep my marriage together.  I went to every length to work through our issues.  I talked to my pastor, we talked to doctors about his disease, I had exhausted all options.  It got to the point that I started doubting myself as a wife, mother, woman even.  I knew it had to end.  THIS was not an easy decision.  The day I looked at him and told him that I wanted him out of the apartment before I got back that evening was heart wrenching.  It killed me inside.  It hurt even more when I walked in the door and seen that all of his stuff was gone and he was nowhere to be found.  I sat and wondered why I was devastated that he was gone.  This is what I wanted.  Wasn’t it?  I was so confused.

I grieved.  I cried for days on end.  Just when I thought I didn’t have any tears left….. there they were.  Pouring out of me like I had never cried before.  I went to therapy, I talked with my mom (the wisest woman I know) and talked with friends too.  It was a very hard time in my life.  I spent TWO months in a very dark, deep depression.  I kept asking my mother why I felt this way and why I was so sad.  It’s what I wanted and what I needed mentally to just survive.  Her response to me was unexpected.  She told me that I was mourning the loss of my marriage.  It’s like when someone dies, they are gone.  You mourn, but you eventually move on.  But with a marriage, when that dies, it feels like it takes longer to move on because that person is still here on this earth.  You may just bump into them one day (with a new significant other) and then you grieve all over again.  It sucks!  But here I am.  I got through it.  I’m still standing and stronger than I’ve ever been.

So what now?  Do I let someone else in?  I did.  And it messed me up for a bit.  It was a complete let down.  I expected so much and was shocked when the real person showed themselves.  Oddly enough, my friends and family seen it long before I did.  But when they confronted me on it, I kept saying “no, he’s a good man.  He wouldn’t hurt me.  He promised.”  Little did I know that promises meant nothing to this man.  Sad really.  I was very vulnerable and he used that to his advantage.  He hurt me deeply and my children.  But again, I came through it and it was an “aha” moment for me that made me realize that I will NEVER settle just because a man is nice in the beginning.  So ya, I’m a little jaded but I’m much more guarded.  I can thank my ex’s for that.

Now I’m sure some of you reading this are thinking that I am just this bitter bitch who can’t move on…. well you’re wrong.  I was bitter after my marriage break up.  That was probably the only time I can honestly say that I was crazy bitter for a very long time.  But again, it was the ONLY time.  Now, I’ve hurt, I’ve cried, but I’ve learned that being bitter is not a positive reaction.  Sure I could go all ape shit on someone and become this crazy bitch who stalks people and spends all my efforts trying to hurt the other person but what’s the point?  I don’t need any negative energy in my life and all those actions spell NEGATIVE.  Instead, I have chosen to focus on the positives in my life.  First and foremost, my beautiful children.  They are the reason I’m here.  Every day I am thankful to God for such beautiful blessings.  I am also learning to love me.  Love me more than I have ever done.  Sounds easy enough right?  Ya, not so much.  Learning to love yourself and discovering who you are is one of the most difficult things to do.  But I’m doin’ it.  That’s all that matters.

Now that I’ve shared this with you all, are you going to ask me what my advice is?……. well here it goes….

My advice if you are single:  Love yourself first before giving yourself to anyone else.  Don’t just look back and say “of course I love myself” because you really need to dig deep inside and find who you are in order to know what you want in a partner.  Take things slow.  If you’re like me, you are a nester.  You like to be in a relationship right off the hop.  There’s no dating, no dinners, no just hanging out for a long period of time and really getting to know the person.  You just jump.  A mistake I will NEVER make again.  Thank God I have FINALLY learned.  So take your time.  Get to know the person.  REALLY know them.  Why the hurry?  And before any of you start saying that your biological clock is ticking and you don’t have babies yet and you want them SO BAD, or that you NEED to be with someone to be happy….. BULLSHIT!   There’s still time.  Why jump into something and a year later you are left with nothing?  Take your time.  Especially you women out there.  We have ALL made the mistake of thinking that he’s totally into you because you’ve shared a few dates and a few drinks and maybe some wild night in the sheets….. but really….. its sooo much more than that.   Baggage?…. it’s all normal.  A lot (if not everyone) have some sort of baggage from their past.  Whether it be children, crazy ex’s (and we all say our ex is crazy because it’s a one-sided story until proven otherwise.  Don’t lie, you know I’m right).  If you fall in love with this person, you accept everything.  No questions asked.  It’s all about choices and how you choose to live your life and who you want in your life.  It’s okay to be choosy.  It’s okay to be picky.  Does it make you a bitch or a jerk if you’re just not into someone for qualities that others may find attractive?  Hell no!  You have to choose what and who is best for YOU.

My advice if you are IN a relationship:  Love deep, love often, love with everything you have.  Give with the intention of not receiving but yet, don’t be naive.  Recognize the signs of abuse (for men and women).  Don’t sit back and take garbage that we all know we don’t need.  Be kind to your partner.  Don’t be afraid to share your feelings with them.  After all, this person is supposed to be your best friend, your soul mate, the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Communication is the key.

I would LOVE to hear your views on this topic.  I’m sure some of you may not agree with me and that’s fine.  You are totally entitled to your opinion.  That’s why the discussion is open.  I want to hear from you.  I want to know.  If I hit a touchy spot, let me know.  If you agree, let me know.  If you disagree, let me know.  I’m open to all opinions.  I think the more men and women start discussing this stuff the easier it is to be more cautious when dating or even being in a relationship.  It’s all about communication.

So that’s my view…. what’s yours?  I know that love is a dangerous thing…. but once you have it…. don’t let it go because that’s the real deal.

L